I am trapped in a very unhappy marriage!

JustCurious says:
Long story short I am in a very unhappy and dysfunctional marriage. We've been married for 8 years and have two young daughters (6 and 2). I grew up in a broken home, never saw my father and I don't want that for my children. 

Unfortunately I don't think he's leaving me much of a choice at this point. 9 months into our marriage he had a drunken one night stand. I forgave, promises were made, none of which were kept and I should have walked but I was a hope junkie, thinking we could weather the storm. 

Throughout these 8 years it's been a roller coaster of him binging three or four times a month, doing something stupid and selfish (like cheating again and getting arrested) and me forgiving him. In between all of this we had another child and his behavior seemed to get worse after her birth. He is impatient, judgemental, verbally and emotionally cruel. 

There have been numerous times throughout our relationship that I have needed to seek medical attention (gallbladder attack, Norovirus, premature labor @32 weeks) and he's never been there for me. He says that I am the problem, if only I were kinder to him, thinner, a better cook, took better care of our children...etc etc. 

Yet I find myself constantly assuring him that I will never leave him, that I don't believe in divorce, that I don't want our kids growing up like we did. There is a war in my soul because I want so badly to be free but I don't want the pain that's going to come with divorce. I really could use some advice? 


Your choice is very clear - you can be a martyr and sacrifice your happiness to someone who neither appreciates it nor deserves it, or you can be honest with yourself, admit you made a big mistake, admit you made promises you should never have made and get the hell out of there.

One thing is absolutely certain - he's not going to get any better. Are you honestly prepared to accept him as he is, and be blamed for being the problem?

I understand how you desperately wanted to avoid imposing a breakup on your children, but bringing them up in a dysfunctional nightmare is a far worse option. Having decided to bring children into the world, your absolute priority must be their best interest. You cannot possibly bring them up well if your are desperately unhappy.

I am afraid that you have a lot more suffering to come whether or not you divorce, but at least a divorce offers you afresh start at some point in the future. In that future, set high standards for any man who comes near you and insist that what it takes to get you, it takes to keep you - loneliness is better than the hell of the wrong guy.

Finally reach out for as much support as you can get in the months and years to come, you're going to need it!